YOU DON’T KNOW UNTIL YOU GO

Before we get onto rejection we need to do something which will get us rejected…or indeed accepted. Now, I am very good at the THEORY of putting yourself out there. I have always been the type of person ( if there IS such a type, I’m presuming I’m not the only one) who feels if you don’t ask, you don’t get. Cheeky is possibly a good way to sum up this type of character.

–  importantly  –

It is an approach I seriously recommend, because, in all honesty, it’s worked out pretty well for me. A few examples,

Soooo, are we gonna go on a date, or what? Text sent to husband, pre-becoming husband.

Please can I have leave during term-time to go to a wedding in Australia? Why would they EVER say yes to a 3 week jolly to Oz?!!

Can I have an exhibition here please? There’s no WAAAY they’ll want my work here.

Having said this, I am absolutely SHITE at going out of my way to do this, of actually leaving the house. If I can apply for a job online, I’ll do it. If I can ask to have my work somewhere via email or a phone call, I’ll do it. If I’m walking past somewhere, on a whim, I’ll go in and ask. However I do not tend to GO places. I do not visit to specifically ask the question. I guess, I am a bit of a hermit and I don’t reeeeally like driving that much either, which when you live in Bude, is pretty limiting. So when I say you don’t know until you go, I need to take my own advice and actually GO. Remote communication is great and maybe it will totally work, but maybe an old school, technology free approach could prove more effective?? I don’t know you tell me, what’s worked for you?

TIME

Oh yes. Time. EEEEVERY BLOG, comes back to time.  The thing is, putting yourself out there takes time. Job applications, seeeesh, we won’t even go there, emails, phone calls and dare I say it, visits. They take So. Much. Time. And time is something I don’t feel I have any of. Next blog. Making time.

BELIEVE

This is a biggy. If you believe it is right other people are waaay more likely to believe it too

–  PROBABLY because it IS right  –

REJECTION

So, why now and why the title of this blog? At the mement I am doing a lot of putting myself out there, asking gallery’s to exhibit my work, applying for jobs etc and, well, sadly, not everyone says yes and that

–   M A S S I V E L Y sucks   –

Because when you ask for something, you generally would quite like it, especially if you have put a lot of time, effort and thought into the process. And especially, see previous section, if you really believe it’s right.

So how do I deal with the rejection?

Let’s be honest , it’s a bit of a rollercoaster and I would say, if you’re going to adopt the just go for it approach PERSPECTIVE and INSTINCT are key. Going for something takes a lot of thinking about, a seriously lot in my case (See the Hannah Stickney art of decision making!). Often time is taken phrasing, writing, spell checking, grammar checking, spell checking again (not in the case of date text but with more official stuff, you know!) getting someone else to check and sometimes, as with the case of job applications it takes BLOODY ages and then, THEN, they have the cheek to not EVEN interview you. So this is what I do. I chase it up, I contact them. I get feedback.

And then- this is where my most IMPORTANT mindset saves the day.

For I am ALSO the sort of person who generally feels:

if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be

and perhaps obviously but I’m going to say it anyway:

if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.

Having said this, I have the luxury of feeling this, because I like where I am right now. I am juggling three jobs and I am loving them all and I think they were meant to be. I put myself out there and so far it is all working out for me. I am unsure and anxious but also excited and happy. I am living in the moment but considering the future. (What I am NOT loving is juggling all this with my three year old’s ever changing emotions and personality. A confusing, deflating, delightful, wonderful thing.) I do think back to those lost, missed, non-opportunities and reflect on them but ultimately I’ve drawn a line under them.

MOVING FORWARD

Woulds. Shoulds. Coulds.

There’s a world of opportunity out there. It’s just choosing which avenue to go down next and…

FINDING THE TIME

MY HISTORY

I was single for a LONG time. I’m that success story people like to tell their single friends about.

I met my husband, when I was 18. How? I went into the shop he worked in- ‘Wow, that guy was HOT.’ I whispered to my friend as we were leaving. Naturally, at this point, I made up my mind to… avoid that shop at all costs, in case I was to run into him again. Using this tactic, I can’t think why I remained single for so long. YEARS later and I was a happy(ish) and independent woman. By this point, I was, for the most part, pretty content with the way things were and thought, if I end up on my own, I end up on my own.  However, our paths crossed again, when he started attending yoga (in a bid to pick up chicks). He didn’t want anything serious. We started hanging out- a lot. He asked THE question, fear in his eyes-‘where is this going?’ So, I told him how it was – advice I have given many friends since. ‘WELL, either this is going to carry on, or it’s going to fizzle out. These are our two options.’ We kept things pretty quiet; having been single for so long, I didn’t want people to get over excited (or myself for that matter). This ‘see how it goes attitude’ put his mind at rest too. 7 years, a house, a marriage, 3 cats and 2 children later, here we are, turns out, it WAS serious and there was nothing he could do about it!

LOVE IS HARD-YET VERY REWARDING

What have I discovered? Love takes huge amounts of give and take. One of the reasons my relationship works, is that my husband gives and I take. (not even kidding- my mum will agree). Then when I’ve taken too much, he lays the smack down, gives me a metaphorical kick up the arse and reality check and the give-take balance is restored to around the 50/50 mark…ok 60/40. If he were a different person, it just wouldn’t work. Things could easily be too volatile; he is the calm, where I am (at times), the storm. Having said this, his approach to life, positively affects me and makes me a waaaay better person. I  become less stormy and more content. I believe in myself a bit more.

I probably don’t believe that there is just one person for everyone, but a spectrum of best fits. I am so lucky to have found such a fabulous fit. Things seem pretty blissful, huh? And they are. But it is not always the case, we have ups and downs- mainly induced by tiredness or me being a narrow-minded perfectionist (see HOW TO MAKE SOMETHING PERFECT ). Also, we have only been together 7 years, a mere drop in the ocean on the relationship scale. A final thought, I would describe myself as a positive realist and I personally think a small measure of the cold, cruel facts of life and an understanding that everything could all go to shit CAN make you appreciate things all the more and make them even better. Things could change, people change and no one can know what the future holds. SO love every good minute as much as you can- sometimes you need to give YOURSELF a kick up the arse to remember this.

WEDDING READINGS

I have had quite a lot of time to reflect on love, all that time single, of course, but also I became a bit of a wedding readings pro- didn’t make the bridesmaid cut! So, here are some of my thoughts on love, which I wrote and read at my yummy friend’s wedding

I’ve been thinking about love-

About it’s depth and complexity.

Vast like the ocean,

ever changing, never still.

How can one short word,

-L O V E-

be used to describe its ever changing presence?

By this I mean, every time you feel love, the sensation will have

changed.

 Sometimes you feel only ever so slightly different, occasionally however the change will be

a great wave

transforming the love that had existed there before, or perhaps sparking the existence of a NEW love.

The love you felt this morning, is different from the love you feel now or the love you will feel in the distant future.

So, what even is love?

An emotion; a physical-chemical reaction; out of our control or a choice; something old and familiar or new, exciting-never previously experienced; something absolutely certain, but at other times, uncertain.

Well, all of this is love-You can love many different things, in completely different ways, all at the same time and you can most certainly love ONE thing above all others.

Sometimes love can be extremely stormy and out of control, sometimes it can involve great risk, sometimes it’s so beautiful and invigorating it’s beyond belief

but like the ocean, mostly, it’s just rolling over. Doing it’s thing, overlooked and taken for granted. Yet still, if you take the time to think about it, remarkable.

–

Whatever love is to you, it is a unique, unrepeatable journey

– LOVE IS – EVER CHANGING – NEVER STILL-

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

So I felt this was an appropriate story to share to illustrate my point. My friend messaged me last night, she has always LOVED Twirls. Twirls have been her chocolate bar of choice for as long as I have known her. She told me she had just had a bite of twirl and then a bite of whisper.

…she preferred the whisper.

Do I know her at all??? As I said, Love changes, we change. I still love her, no matter WHICH chocolate bar she likes the best- I know, our love it pretty strong!

A NOTE ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY

We like to hang out with my best mate (her from choclategate) and her husband on Valentine’s day, I don’t know how the tradition began, but I highly recommend it. Special menus, lots of bubbles and a good laugh, it’s a chance to hang out without the pressure of making it a great romantic evening, because with mates, it’s going to be. Even if you got annoyed with each other before-hand (it happens, quite commonly with us at the moment, as we’re tired and trying to get the kids to bed before we go out and it’s stressful and I can’t choose an outfit that doesn’t make me look like a moron or isn’t 15 years old- it’s fine) and with friends, it is more easily put aside, no grudges, bonus!

To achieve perfection, you must become a perfectionist.

WHAT IS A PERFECTIONIST?

Soooo, what is a perfectionist and would you say YOU are one?

1. a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.

In which case, I guess an equally appropriate and necessary question would be- what is perfection?

1. having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.

I AM a perfectionist. However, my perfection and your perfection are probably two different things. My ‘desirable elements’ will more than likely differ to yours, perhaps only slightly but possibly greatly.

PERFECTIONISM vs TIME

I have found the problem with perfection is time. I WANT to make things perfect. I will write something 6 times. TRY 1: misspelt something -TRY 2: forgot my capital –TRY 3: writing going up at 45° angle- TRY 4: writing going up at a 5° angle- TRY 5: don’t like the way I’ve written ‘the’- TRY 6: misspelt something ,forgot my capital, writing going up at 45° angle, don’t like the way I’ve written ANY of this stupid shopping list (kidding)…(maybe!).

So, perfectionism takes time. When I was younger, A LOT younger, 13, I had a job waitressing. I gained the nickname ‘flash’. I can laugh at this now however I still feel nicknaming a 13 year old girl (behind their back, who worked bloody hard, if not a little slowly) a bit of an arse-ish thing to do- probably why I’m writing about it now! Hmmm maybe I CAN’T laugh at this now!!! Anyway my point is, when you can’t achieve that perceived perfection in the time required somethings got to give. I left.

GIVE AND TAKE

So, returning to my first point, having written said shopping list (still joking, wasn’t REALLY a shopping list) 6 times, I have unfortunately run OUT of time. As well as this I am in a right pissy mood because I’ve wasted this time on something so POINTLESS. In addition I have not done the dishes, cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen or gone to the toilet, both children have woken up and are crying, so in this futile bid to gain perfection, I have made my life ten (maybe one hundred) times harder.

I find Perfectionism involves so much give and take. The time and energy you give trying to make something just so, invariably takes away from something else. In short:

Trying to make something perfect, makes something else imperfect and generally a bit shitter and has to be rushed OR sometimes (often) the other thing(s) are not done at all.

PRECONCEIVED IDEAS

As I mentioned earlier, I think we all have differing views on what makes something perfect. Tough.  Subjective shiz is always a grey area, isn’t it? A preconceived idea of how something should look/ be achieved, is probably the top course of arguments in our household. ‘Are you going to use THAT pan to cook the bolognaise in?’ Mainly though, it is down to me being so constrained in my quest for perfection that I cannot see, at that moment, that another way (my husbands way) can achieve results that are just as good but that are different (we’ll ignore the time he put anchovies in the sausage pasta, something that has been a blight on his culinary calling ever since and his cutting in…which is just inconceivable).

DOES IT MATTER?

So why is this my blog subject? I guess at a time when I am finding my time is stretched more than ever, it is a question of asking, when to drop it? It is a time for re-evaluating my methods and opinions. I need to accept when something good, is good enough (could diverge into teaching rant, but won’t!). Does it matter? Does it matter if the cutting-in line isn’t straight? Of course it does. I mean NO…does it? At what point in the 6 x writing fiasco would you have stopped?

My long winded point is: Perfectionism has not made things perfect.

Perfectionism caused a heap of wasted paper, a dirty kitchen, starving children, arguments with the husband (and we won’t mention the not going to the toilet thing)…so if being a perfectionist doesn’t make things perfect then what will? I think, for me, I need to become content with good, even great, but not strive for perfection…

…unless I’m going to be paid loads- then and only then- I shall.

Well done me, second blog.

I mentioned in my first post that I had great difficulty in making decisions, especially important ones like what profession to do and which fancy dress outfit to choose. First blog in and a realised this may present a slight problem for me in terms of what to actually blog about. I have so many ideas my head is exploding, but settling on one and deciding where to go next has been very tricky. So here we are. In this blog I shall discuss the art of decision making and how I am going to help myself by learning a few techniques.

– Take your time  –

An old friend of mine, when I briefly discussed the quandary of having too many ideas, told me to take my time and not to rush. My mind keeps wondering back to this. I look at others who have settled on a path, a style, a brand. I am inspired by them but a part of me wishes I was there now. I also am aware of the different situations we are all in and different times in our lives. I am 34 years old. I have more or less decided to take a break from a job that I have been doing a reasonably long time and that I am comfortable and, in many ways, confident doing. I have a VERY young family, we are relaxing into life as a foursome (the golden 6 month settle-down and in) but things are still new and changeable. So as I begin something new, with major changes at home as well,  taking time is what I shall do. I will take my time and deal with one idea at a time. My ideas will only fade if I want them to. More likely they will develop, adapt and expand. I am sure I will know when and if I should move to my next venture.

– Lists-

Next step, for me, to ensure said ideas will not fade before I want them to: Make a list; Make it pretty (I said this was for me, it’s not for everyone); Hang it on the wall; refer to it, add to it, amend it; this list is a slow burner, T A K E   M Y   T I M E.

– The infamous end goal –

This just ain’t happening for me. I don’t know where I’m heading, obviously I have a vague idea: painting, drawing, illustration, making, becoming rich beyond my wildest dreams- that sort of thing but short of that I want to keep my options open. I guess my end goal is to be able to live comfortably and maximise the amount of time I can spend with friends and family.

– Make life easy for myself: remove obstacles –

For me, there is one thing holding me back (aside from time and lack of it) and that is registering as self-employed. To me, this is a massive unknown thing. It seems a lot of work, a lot of insecurity, no pension, no holiday pay, having to be organised (yikes) and also I don’t know whether I could still dabble in some supply and mix and match. The thought of researching this juuuust does not interest me at all, or it does but I would rather just be told ‘this is what you should do and this is how to do it.’  I believe there are some professionals whose job it maaay be to do this. The thought of paying for this sucks too, although it is currently my preferred option. Finally, while I’m on the subject, who knows when I might possibly get round to finding out about it, let alone actually doing it, when there are SO many other things I would rather be doing! So yes. This is my big barrier and if I just get on with it I think I will be in a position to move forward.

–  Just do it  –

I toyed with the idea of calling this blog The (Hannah Stickney) Art of wasting time. Writing the blog in itself has meant putting off actually doing the thing I need to do. Doing the artwork, I loved…but I did it THREE times!!! Sometimes I think I just need to DO IT. In many cases it really doesn’t matter if it’s perfect. Easier said than done, but it’s something I am going to try and DO more.

–  To post or not to post  –

As I consider whether to post this or not, (having shown it to the ol’ husband and him comment, ‘it’s very personal, if that’s what you want to go for, it’s great’) I think to myself IS this what I want to go for? Damn, another bloody decision! It seems to be where it’s naturally going. So, let’s role with it, Decision made.

For those of you not in the know, I am currently on maternity leave, with two delicious sproggy specimens (Fearne and Larry) to look after. 8 months in and I feel very much at a turning point in my life. The fact I am writing this blog (the purpose of which I am unsure) suggests change is looking likely. Opportunity certainly awaits but as to which path I take, I am unsure.

Change is big and it’s scary. I’m not sure where I’m going, for the first time in a long while and for that matter, I’m not even precisely sure where I’ve been. I have a habit of just sort of, floating along and not really engaging in where I am or what I am doing, sort of, acting instinctively and things have just worked out. Is that normal? I think I am the opposite of mindfulness! Anyway, now decisions are to be made and I think, really, I have not had to make a decision like this since choosing my degree course in, um, err, when I was 18-whatever year that was.

With this decision, my fate was sort of sealed; into teaching I went- safe, secure, teaching. A job I enjoyed, never dreaded, until, I did dread it. It became safe, secure increasingly stressful and sad. I am not going to harp on about the trials of teaching (in this post at least). It is a profession I still in many ways love, however it is a profession that perhaps does not love me anymore and a profession that I am still not 100% sure I do want to leave. (hmmm, perhaps change is NOT on the cards after all!)

That said, here I am, writing a blog….

Opportunity does await but for someone who cannot decide on a fancy dress costume for fear a better idea may come to me at a later time, it is tough. Ideas are whooshing round my head, I just do not know which move I should make next.